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I liiiiiiiiiiiive!

It's been a while, hasn't it.

I apologize for my absence. I know there's not a lot of people who follow me but I've been going through some major changes in my life and it's just been really crazy. If you follow me on tumblr you may've seen some posts. Now...to my past year or so.

My last post mentioned I had TMJ. Well, my health actually took a more drastic turn for the worse. I developed symptoms of anxiety, depression and more chronic pain that couldn't be explained as well as serious sleep issues. I had to take incompletes in half of my classes and take the Spring 2013 semester off to get my health under control. Seeing a rheumatologist got me some answers: I have a gross vitamin D deficiency. My levels were virtually zero. I spent the first four months of this year working to get my vitamin D levels up enough for me to complete basic tasks. On top of all of this, my best friend was getting married in Malta and I was her maid of honor.

We got my levels mostly in control, I'm taking a supplement and spending copious amounts of time in the sun to produce vitamin D. We've had to up my doses once already and I will forever be going through bloodwork and having my doses adjusted as over time my body will need to have more and more vitamin D as it grows harder to absorb it. I have to keep close track of my body and how I feel in case of a vitamin D crash as well as working to manage my time and energy very tightly because right now I'm only at ~65% of my normal energy.

My friend got married and it was beautiful. It cost a lot of money that I'm still paying back but it was worth it. It was not only a trip for her but for myself. It was the first time in 8-9 months where I felt in control of my body and that there was hope for myself. It was also my first time overseas which was an experience in itself.

Not only that but I got my first internship at a zoo. I've been doing it since 20 May and I finish in a week or three. On top of it I've been working at one of my usual jobs. So far, as long as I get in my vitamin d and remember to eat right I can do my job as well as start working out to get in shape. My goals are pretty simple: 1.) be able to run nonstop for a mile 2.) become a better swimmer (coming from a point where I'm basically relearning it's a huge undertaking). I'm working slowly towards them (I only run and swim once a week -- I can't afford much more than that) and I feel good which is something I haven't felt in a while.

Finishing school is going to be delayed. Because of my energy levels and the fact that I can't commit to quality schoolwork if I take my normal class load I'm only taking 2-3 classes a semester. After my crash I've learned that I don't have to always worry and force myself. I can take my time. I can relax for the first time in my life. So that's what I'm going to do. This also allows me to get better grades and participate in research and internship opportunities I wouldn't have with my previous pace. So really, I'm going to do a lot better. Besides, lighter loads mean I won't be burned out as bad when the semester ends so I can pick up writing faster and the extra time means I get to take fun classes like Wildlife Ecology & Management.

So here I am, looking ahead and stepping forward. It feels good.

(I have a series of tumblrs and an Archive of Our Own account, go and look for my username in both places if you're curious.)

2012, the year of pain

So....I have TMJ. Between how sucky the semester is, a bout of bronchitis, and then my jaw being so angry it pisses off my ears and neck, I'm done with this year. Just completely done.

Next year better be better. I want internships.

Haha, I'm still alive.

Surgery went well, I'm out of PT and now just trying to cope with minor trauma induced depression. Apparently going 8 months in perpetual untreated pain messes with your brain chemicals. Who'da thunk?

With this I have major cases of the weepies, I'm perpetually exhausted and I want to go back into hermit mode.

But I'm not. I know I'll get better in time, so here's me keep being me.

Update

I have surgery on Thursday. *shrug*

A [big] step back

About eight weeks ago I posted that I would start writing more, more specifically putting my writing out into the public for better or worse. And I prepared. I developed a story for National Novel Writing Month that compelled me to tell this story before all others floating in my head. I felt good about this, planning my life around juggling school and life so I could share Daenis and Desys with the world.

A week into preparations I woke with excruciating neck pain. I rested, skipped school and took copious amounts of anti-inflammatories. It put me a week behind in schoolwork but I persevered. Then I woke up one morning to a numb right hand. Went to the doctor, got meds, was on them for 2 weeks, they don't work, wake up with both hands numb, go back in, talk to another doctor.

I most likely have multiple herniated discs in my neck. My MRI is on Wednesday.

I found this out 3 days into National Novel Writing Month. This explains why I've been having trouble writing, typing, playing video games. My fine motor skills are shot. I'm literally typing with my right index, thumb and middle finger -- the rest of my fingers are too hurt, numb, tingling or a mix of the three to use comfortably. I can draw lines of those previously mentioned four options down both of my arms. And none of the medication I'm on seems to be helping.

Putting my pride aside, I'm scared and angry. Scared because I've never had something like this happen to me. I don't know what's going to happen. My hands are necessary for everything for me. I write as an outlet. I want to be a zookeeper. When I have the time, I enjoy doing household chores. I can't do any of these things, let alone cook without pain. I'm angry because I'm scared and impatient and tired. I communicate to my friends via twitter and AIM -- can't have hour long conversations without having my hands crippled for hours afterwards. I can't pet my fucking animals without something hurting. School -- of which half my classes are attendance based -- and work are now a mix of pain and frustration on top of whatever class content frustrations I have. I haven't told Kit, but I'm not sleeping well. I feel so useless and it's starting to get to me.

I've spent most of the past week in tears or anger. And I know until I'm treated I won't feel any better. I hope my neurologist appointment is soon.

I think I'm just going to stop here. My hand is hurting and I'm tired of going back and fixing typos.

Stepping forward

I just put up a piece of fanfiction in an earlier post. It has to be to date the most embarrassing thing I've ever written. Yes, even more embarrassing than my blatant self-insertion Yu-Gi-Oh fanfiction from when I was 15 that I'm going to finish one day because some stories need to be told. And now I'm sitting here thinking, "If I was able to share this, why can't I share the rest of my stories?"

Yes, most of my writing isn't so titillating. Or controversial (I'm sure someone who shouldn't read this will and shit a brick. My words to you: FUCK OFF. THIS IS MY FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION.). But it would be out there for everyone to read.

That's the sound of my insecurity as a writer crumbling a little. With it, I'm going to step forward and transcribe my work. It's the least I can do. Besides, it's good exercise for NanoWriMo. (I have to write on paper or stories won't come out. Very rare pieces are wholly written digitally.)

Welp, into the breach.

Sooo....yeah....who wants porn?

So, porny fanfiction for my buddies Doyle and halcyonjazz. This was all the result of a very pervy livestream late one night during the summer. It took me a while for me to finish it since I've never done something like this before.

This is rated NC-17 for sex, blasphemous sex, mansex, oh and language.

I'd like to note that I don't always write porn so please don't think that's all I'm capable of. Also, I'm going to hide during the fallout just because.

I may put this up on y!gallery at some point once I make a damned thumbnail.

{EDIT} I moved this to AO3.
First week of school down, another 16(?) to go and I'm really excited to be honest. Barring Organic Chemistry (which I'm unreasonably leery of) my classes are great. Plant biology is plant biology but my other two classes are going to be fun. Biodiversity and Conservation of Animals is a dream. I think this class will be what really focuses what I want to do within Biology. British literature 1780-now is good too, even if my professor is wavering between loving me and hating my guts forever. It's not my fault I read most of the literature already through high school and that I won't buy another copy of Jane Eyre just to have corresponding pages. That's $8 I could save or spend on two books or more -- if I went to a used book store -- I didn't already have.

Now if I could only get my fucking financial aid.

In other news, I'm not friends anymore with my name twin. Thing is, I'm not sad. I was, when I realized that she only called me to go hang out because she wanted someone to listen to her own problems. She didn't even ask me how I was when I got into her car. I had to tell her about my job readjustment by casually going "So, I lost my main source of income without a thanks and I don't know if I need to get another job." (which I hate doing because it's so passive-aggressive and rude). What was even worse was she didn't even ask me what had happened. She just said "Oh that sucks." and returns to picking out underwear for the bridal shower she's throwing the next day. I know this sounds like I'm whining but this had been the repeating scenario since we became friends. She'd have problems and come running to me to fix them and I did because I believed that she would be there for me when I needed her. But she wasn't. We lived a 10 minute walk away from each other and she never could take the time out of her busy schedule to hang out with me unless her life was falling down around her ears. Hell, she never even replied to any of my texts or calls.

She moved back home without telling me. I mean, she told Kit, but couldn't be bothered to text me a few words despite her claims that we were best friends. Hearing something that lifestyle-changing second hand two weeks after the fact (because Kit thought I knew for the same reasons I though I'd be told) was just the last shovel of dirt to fill the grave.

This helped me realize something: I needed to branch out and make true friends. I'm tired of being loved and adored for how honest I am or how kind I am until that's not what they want. I'm tired of being someone's sob shoulder without having one offered to me when I need one. I'd like to experience the mystical and legendary two-way road that friendship is.

And I think I'm finally getting there. The only complaint I have about some of the friendships I'm cultivating is that they don't live anywhere near me. But that can be remedied by saving and con registrations. I have a huge hug debt racking up as we speak!

On more fun and happy notes, I have fandoms to talk about!

No. 6: Very interesting and beautifully animated. I'm not going to say much about the series itself because I really need to read the light novels that someone is very kindly translating for everyone on the internet to read. Not going to spoil anything too much but I'm really sensing a Rei/Jack vibe in this one. I have to say that doing this is starting to play with my emotions here.

Good Luck, Yukikaze: Speaking of Rei and Jack, I've started reading the second book in the series. I'm only two parts in but it's already so good. Most of my reactions involve me crying Rei, Jack and Yukikaze's names while wibbling over the emotions. I will probably be crying at the end of this if only because I don't know when the third book will be released in the U.S. Reading will slow down a bit since it has textbooks vying for my attentions.

Uta no Prince-sama: This is a anime telling of the similarly named dating sim about a composer and the six idol boys who go to the same private high school for idols and composing students. DON'T JUDGE ME. This actually was a surprising find when I was dawdling through one of the manga reading sites. It's actually a lot of fun and kind of gives me the Macross vibe with a different song sung by one of the guys each episode. Interestingly enough, almost all of the male seiyuus for the idols (and professors) have some background in music whether it's solo work (Mamoru Miyano, aka Ore wa Gundam Setsuna F Seiei, Tamaki Suoh, etc) or being a part of a music group. A more random comment about this is that most all of the main cast's seiyuus have also played characters that piloted mecha including the seiyuu for Alto Saotome. Though, he is playing the ever lovely trap Ringo which will have me forever believing that he just wanted to have a chance to play Sheryl Nome.

Homestuck: I am caught up to date and I have to say HOLY GOD IT IS EVERYTHING EVERYONE WAS SAYING. Seriously. Currently Hussie is on a hiatus prepping the end of Act 5 and I'm glad because I won't have Homestuck distracting me for at least the next two months.

Bleach: Things are actually happening now, which I'm glad of. It looks like the Gotei 13 got a bit of a makeover during the timeskip which I look forward to seeing.

Other anime I'm watching: Ao no Exorcist (the openings are stunning, go watch them!), Tiger and Bunny, Utena (need to watch more)

Manga I started but need to catch up with: Vinland Saga, Hunter x Hunter, One Piece

Last bit of info: I have a tumblr now (took me long enough). Feel free to check it out, but there's nothing much there.
Who got a 'B' in Chemistry? I MOTHERFUCKING DID. I found out just last night and I'm so happy. I worked my ass of for this class. Seriously. It's totally lacking its usual perkiness and size. Another good thing about getting a 'B' is because my classes have been horrific and I desperately need to up my GPA. This year was a kick in the pants about being serious about school again. It also doesn't hurt that I'm getting further away from the classes I detest and can study the things that interest me. Like Biodiversity and Conservation of Animals. No one has any idea of how excited I am for this class. UNT doesn't exactly have a Zoology program in its Biology major, so I'm just filling in a bunch of animal/conservation/ecology classes in my electives to make up for it. I'm even taking a literature class this coming semester. :3

Speaking of said literature class, I get to read Jane Eyre in it!!!!!!!!!!111111111 I've loved this book since 10th grade when I had to read it for class. I guess the reason why I love it so much is that it's the story of a woman who didn't have anything (money, family, love) and she worked her way through her trials, always endeavoring to be good and happy. I empathize with that. She definitely exemplifies my motto of "I flourish under adversity."

Another segue into something else: my youngest brother graduated finally! And when I mean 'finally' I mean "this hard-ass motherfucker finished high school despite them discriminating against him for his clothing and music choices." His teachers have consistently tried to hold him back -- which the school board refused to acknowledge or rectify -- due to superficial shit and he just shouldered through, graduating Friday night. I'm so proud of him.

He's staying with Kit and I for the week so he can go to King Spa next Saturday (his birthday). He'll be 18 that day, and I have to be honest, I may cry quite a bit. I started helping my mom raise him when he was 1, and this little fucker has overcome every single obstacle life has thrown his way, medically, physically, emotionally, developmentally. Everything. I can only look forward to the man he's going to become.

So yeah, this week is going to be great. Amazing. Fucking awesome. I can't wait.

(I'm going to make a fandom post sometime soon, I just need to get some of my reading out of the way beforehand.)

Vacillating is my middle name

I'm still technically at the family reunion, but I have nothing better to do, so I'm going to post about a few things.

!.) I adopted a dog! Her name is Pearl and she's a 3-year-old, 80 lbs, Great Pyrenees. She's so pretty and smart and I'm at peace with myself in a way that I haven't been since my dog Alex died 2 years ago. It's also worth noting that she is my birthstone (June b-day).


2.) Class is going better than I expected. If I make an 84 on my final this Friday I'll have a B in the class. This means when I get home I'll be vigorously studying because GOD DAMMIT I WANT A B IN THIS FUCKING CLASS!!!! :<

3.) I'm only saying this here because no one really reads this journal, but I've been debating with myself whether or not to submit for s2b2 's Hot 4 Teacher issue. It's not for the story or the fact that I've barely written porn -- I've made alterations to the story so it's only going to be a standalone scene and I now know I'm capable of writing porn so that's been taken care of -- but really because I want to put my best work out there and I currently don't have the time. Class took more out of me than I even expected. I finish my class on the 12th and if I do nothing (like spend time with the spouse I've neglected or train the dog or clean my house) I can get this piece put together and polished before the due date of the 16th. I know I can do this, but I'm concerned about the quality if I rush it. I guess we'll all find out if I can do this in only a couple of days.

4.) The family reunion is one of those things that has been really good and really bad. I've been accepted and loved by some and reminded that I don't fit in by others. I don't want to go into depth about it, but I'm just glad I'm a sturdy girl in both body and spirit. If not, I'd probably spend the entire time crying by my tree in the backyard. Needless to say I had no energy to do anything (not even read comics online, believe that!) but keeping myself functioning.

Take care all my dears.

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kheradihr
A force of nature stuck in a redhead's body.
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